Loss of Indpendence

In the last six months I have come to a realization that I am no longer independent. That I can no longer go where I want, feel free and not have to ask for anyone's help. I constantly feel bad for my friends and my poor husband who have to take care of me and I feel even worse when I have to cancel plans because I simply can't get out of the house. I spoke with my advocate ,but to me he is more like my sponsor like at an AA meeting. He has already been through a heart transplant and gives me advice and checks on me a few times every month and he says its normal and I am only going to get worse before things get better. But every time I hear those words I want to scream. I feel like I am already bad and I can't foresee it being any worse when I can no loner clean my house, climb a flight of stairs, walk in the grocery store or be intimate with my husband without me being doubled over in pain or can't breathe. I get so frustrated with myself but I know I can't really do anything about it. I think back when I was in high school and I pictured this life where Dewon and I would be married, have a big house with kids and me running off to the OR every day to assist with other heart patients just like me. Sadly I will never be able to fulfill some of those dreams. Having kids does sometimes make me upset but I know we will adopt one day and no matter what the child will be OURS. Not being able to have my RN and work on a cardiac floor like I always planned does make me really upset. You can ask my dad from the time I knew what a job was I wanted to be a cardiac nurse and help others and now that can never happen. I did however marry Dewon and well we live in a big house and instead of kids we have two crazy furbabies who keep me on my toes :). And although I have loss my independence I have strength and faith in its place. I know that I will always be humbled by the people who are there for me and so very thankful. I'll just leave it all in God's hands and cherish every moment I have good or bad.


Update:
I have a follow up with Inova Fairfax next Friday with Dr. Desai
We leave for Cleveland February 3rd, my appointments are the 4th and I will update if I get admitted or not the 5th. I want to ask for continues prayers please. Thank you! Also feel free to leave me a comment, I made the blog for support and to help others going through the same health issues.